You Don’t Have to Choose Between Being a “Good Parent” and a “Good Team Member”

You Don’t Have to Choose Between Being a “Good Parent” and a “Good Team Member”

Let me be honest with you—this might be one of the most damaging, false narratives we’ve been handed in the special education system.

Somewhere along the line, many parents got the message that we’re only “good team members” if we stay agreeable. Grateful. Flexible. And that if we push too hard, ask too many questions, or challenge a decision, we’re veering off into the territory of being that parent.

You know the one. The one who “does too much.” Who always has a new concern. Who just can’t seem to trust the process.

(And many educators got the same message)

But really? That version of the story is broken.

I’ve worked with too many parents who walk into IEP meetings feeling like they have to choose between being the advocate their child needs and the teammate the school expects.

Let me be clear: You do not have to choose.

You can be the strong, steady voice your child needs and be someone who collaborates with the team.

You can take up space in the room without being the enemy.

You can challenge decisions and still be respectful.

You can ask for more and still be a part of the team.

And you don’t owe anyone an apology for it.

Let’s Talk About the Guilt

There’s something almost invisible but heavy in the air at IEP meetings: guilt.

You might feel guilty for questioning a teacher who genuinely seems to care about your child.

Guilty for not knowing the “right” terms or language to use.

Guilty for speaking up, or guilty for not speaking up.

Some parents even feel guilty for wondering if they’re asking for too much—or not enough.

It’s the kind of guilt that makes you second-guess yourself before you ever open your mouth.

And here’s the thing: that guilt isn’t yours to carry.

It’s been passed to you by a system that isn’t always built to listen to parents fully or consistently. A system that often values compliance over curiosity, and cooperation over true collaboration.

When you sit quietly because you’re afraid of seeming “difficult,” the system doesn’t change. But when you speak up—even when your voice shakes—you shift the dynamic. You remind the room: “I’m here because my child matters. And I’m not going anywhere.”

The Pressure to Be “Easy to Work With”

Here’s a story I’ll never forget.

A mom I worked with—let’s call her Lisa—was in a meeting for her 8-year-old son. She had spent weeks preparing, getting documentation, and even practicing how she’d share her concerns calmly and clearly.

She did everything “right.” And when she politely asked for more data to support the school’s decision to reduce her son’s speech services, one of the team members leaned in and said, “We just really hope we can work together on this without it turning into a fight.”

That sentence gutted her.

She wasn’t being aggressive. She wasn’t threatening legal action. She was literally asking for documentation.

But that sentence was a reminder: there’s pressure—sometimes subtle, sometimes not—to just go along.

To be the “nice” parent. The “understanding” parent. The one who doesn’t push back.

Here’s what I told Lisa, and what I’ll tell you now: You are allowed to expect accountability and still be collaborative. You are allowed to question things and still be respectful. You are allowed to not be the “easy” parent—because “easy” shouldn’t be the goal.

What should be the goal? An IEP that works. A plan that meets your child’s real needs. A team that respects your perspective, even when you don’t agree.

You Are the Only One in That Room Who Knows Your Child 24/7

One of the biggest myths in special education is that parents are “emotional” while the school is “objective.”

Let me call that out.

Yes, you’re emotional. Of course you are. This is your child.

But that doesn’t mean you’re wrong. It doesn’t mean your perspective is less valuable. In fact, I’d argue it’s more valuable.

You know what your child looks like at 7 PM on a Wednesday when they’re melting down after holding it together all day.

You know what happens on the car ride home after a day of testing.

You know what progress looks like beyond a benchmark or test score.

That knowledge? That’s real data. And the team needs it.

So if you’ve ever been made to feel like you’re just being “overly emotional,” take a breath and remember: being close to the situation doesn’t make you biased. It makes you informed.

You Can Take Up Space—Fully

This might be the most important thing I say in this post: You’re allowed to take up space in the room.

Not because someone gives you permission. But because you’re already a part of the team. You’ve been on this team since day one.

And being a team member doesn’t mean staying small. It means contributing. Questioning. Sharing what you know. Asking for clarity. Holding the team accountable. And yes—sometimes saying, “This isn’t working. We need to try something else.”

You’re not being difficult when you do that. You’re doing your job as a parent.

And If You're Feeling Stuck or Unsure...

You don’t have to figure all of this out alone.

That’s why I created my FREE Summer Learning Series—to help you build your confidence, sharpen your advocacy skills, and walk into your next meeting with less overwhelm and more clarity.

It’s totally free, no fluff, and it’s designed to fit into your real life. Think: bite-sized tools, powerful shifts, and stories from other parents who’ve been right where you are.

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Final Word

If you’ve been sitting at the IEP table wondering if you’re too much—or not enough—I want you to hear this:

You don’t have to choose between being a “good parent” and a “good team member.”

You can be both.

You can speak clearly, advocate boldly, and still collaborate with the team.

You can take up space.

You can ask for more.

And you’re not wrong—or alone—for doing it.